this goes out to anyone at the Asbury Park Music Awards. and anyone who has been participating in the message board discussions. i'm going to try and keep this brief.

there are things that happen on the surface and things underneath. on the surface i was winning awards. underneath i was surprised, happy, proud, tongue-tied. then we went on stage. hecklers galore. at awards shows you have people from all different musical genres up against each other in the same categories i.e. top male vocalist. so of course the harder edge musicians are whispering shit in my ear that would get to anyone. and i'm just taking it in. i don't blame them. they're like "who the fuck is this kid?" i feel the same way.

on the surface, it looks like i just won a few awards and now i'm performing and i'm a fucken hard-ass who thinks he's the shit, cocky motherfucker. underneath...all i hear are the harsh comments by select audience members who are blitzed on alcohol and whatever. i can't help but let the shit get to me. i go on the defensive. i harden up as to not let it seep in any further. i do what i can to survive. you fucken try it.

i make music cuz it helps me live. everyone's got their shit to deal with and everyone's got their ways of coping with all of it. for me, music helps me. i don't do it for fun. it ISN'T FUN to fucken be yelled at even after you've won some fucken metal trophies. i whatever....i'm going to have to start dealing with this shit and i will.

my apologies to anyone who got a bad vibe last Weds. and my sincerest, warmest thanks to those who continue to stick up for me. i've never met you but i consider you angels.